I Miss Him
He was introduced to be dead weight,
Another sandbag to curve my back
In order to distract from my fate, fatal, inescapable,
An invitation I wasn’t ready to accept.
He presented himself in his own league,
Known to jump from face to facade, revered
For his technicality, tactics and fatalities.
As rumors slipped his grasp, I bravely took a step back,
Looking him in the eye－ pinpointing what words?－
I perspired, ahead of myself I barked,
Accepting whatever friendly fire he’s sent
To intercept my difficulties stated prior.
His smile was brighter than days I’ve seen,
Deep within my own grave-like trench
I could finally breathe, no flecks of deceit
Like ashes in the air, to sting me.
I smiled back.
Soon I caught sight of my hesitation escaping me,
Like bullets escaping an automatic,
My exterior shell fractured beyond comprehension,
A sonar pinging any sunken mines below the surface.
That was all his undoing.
I had let him take the first blind shot.
He’s played me so masterfully,
He’s tiptoed past my trip-wire defenses,
Presenting a hand to shake, seemingly with all good intentions.
And I had accepted it.
I accepted his hand once more,
No matter the code word, awaiting days with bated breath
Where his own banter became as regular as rain,
With his own mask, deemed fake, escaping him too
As he admitted he’s salted his own waves,
Stowing words deep within his hull, forced to be unscathed
Tangled in a chess game, immovable, holding whatever he saved
His only weakness, his only lifeline,
Tied to a widow he saw only once in his lifetime.
He unburied my truths, my frequency, my code,
I fought with the beating drum inside my chest,
Forcing a white flag from my palm,
Unable to behold what gaping maw continued to eat at me.
With all my wounds scrubbed raw, spiked with adrenaline,
I admitted I wasn’t sane without him.
But when I couldn’t bear it, he buried my scars
Under a canopy of stars, silent save for pieces of the night,
My own peace of mind returned to me safely,
reinforcing my own integrity
With that kind smile from before,
Adding an embrace to circle my war.
Looking back, I miss him dearly, sealed with wax.
But he missed his widow, her face in mine, not a soldier.